Of the many difficulties that will follow after you are divorced, the most difficult that I am con-fronted with is dealing with your former spouse, particularly when you have to co-parent. Learning effective co-parenting skills is essential if you have any hope of raising happy, healthy, well-adjusted children. Here are some tips that may help you along that path.
1. LOVE YOUR CHILDREN MORE THAN YOU HATE YOUR EX SPOUSE
No matter how much you dislike your ex-spouse for what they did to you during your marriage, and your divorce, it’s important to always put your children first. Loving your children more than you dis-like your ex-spouse will always be the right decision.
2. TAKE AN IN PERSON PARENTING CLASS RATHER THAN ONLINE CLASS
You will get more from attending and participating in a parenting class in a setting with other similarly situated parents than you will from an online course. Pay attention, listen to what you are being told and hear from others similarly situated. You will be happy that you did, and most Judges will appreciate the extra effort.
3. NEVER PUT YOUR CHILDREN IN THE MIDDLE
I am often asked what does this mean? Simply it means, no matter what the situation, never ask your children to relay anything to your ex-spouse, never ask them to deliver funds to the other parent and never interrogate them about what goes on in the other parent’s house. Your children should be as free from conflict as humanly possible and should never be the one to deliver information.
4. TRY TO SAY SOMETHING POSITIVE ABOUT THE OTHER PARENT IN PRES-ENCE OF CHILDREN
This is easier said than done. After a divorce, negative thoughts, feelings and statements seem to flow much easier than the positive. If you consciously make the decision to say something positive about your ex, it will help you, especially when the negative tends to come to your lips more readily.
5. DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF
After a divorce, you really need to pick your battles with your ex so when there is a major issue that comes up in the future, you will be taken serious-ly. There will be plenty of little things that happen along the way in a post-divorce parent relation-ship and letting go of things that are minor annoyances, rather than big issues will help you be taken more seriously when a major issue arises.
6. LIMIT COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR EX
Many people are co-dependent on their ex and divorce does not make that relationship any less co-dependent. Limit communication, especial-ly in the early years, for those things that actually need a response or to forward information that only you would have. Communicate when possible in person or on the phone. So much often is lost in translation in an email or text. The reader does not hear you and can only read and interpret what you are saying.
7. NEVER ALLOW YOUR CHILDREN TO USE YOU AGAINST YOUR EX SPOUSE TO GET WHAT THEY WANT
Kids are smart and often times will figure out how to play their parents in order to get what they want. If your kids know that you and your ex do not communicate well, they will use that fact to their advantage to get what they want. Don’t let them!
For more information and to schedule your consultation, please call The Law Offices of Steven B. Chroman, P.C., at 661-255-1800 or visit us at www.chromanlaw.com. Mr. Chroman is a Trusted Advisor Award Winner and named Top 100 California Attorney’s with over 24 years of experience and local service and a 2021 Su-per Lawyer. You can purchase Mr. Chroman’s best-selling Divorce Workbook at: www.amazon.com/Preparing-Divorce–considering-separation
This article was originally published in Santa Clarita Magazine as part of our firm’s mission to make family law information more accessible to the Santa Clarita community. Read the full feature and others at santaclaritamagazine.com.