The holidays are almost here and the emotions surrounding divorce, separation, custody and new situations in general often place this question at the top of the list.
1. They don’t hate you, but they may hate what you represent: The failure of a marriage, the breakup of the family, fear that they may have ruined their child’s life by not being able to make the marriage work.
2. They are afraid the kids will love you more. An irrational fear, as the chances of that happening are basically nil, but a common fear nonetheless.
3. They perceive you as overstepping boundaries. This could include showing up at a parent-teacher conference, forcing the kids to call you mom or dad, trying to co-parent by responding to messages sent to the ex, etc.
4. They resent your participation in events they believe are reserved “firsts.” You can be sure that mom or dad wants to be there for any sort of milestone. Try to be sensitive to that.
5. They perceive you as doing all the parenting while mom/dad is “let off the hook.” Stepparents often help with household duties and life in general but when one spends more time at work during visitation time, it opens the door for these kinds of feelings.
6. Now that you’ve come along, mom/dad is asking for more parenting time. You’d think this would be a good thing, but this change in dynamic can be threatening or scary for the ex. Not everyone likes change.
7. They don’t know you. When mom/dad send the kids off for visitation, this person they don’t even know will have full access to them, remember they don’t automatically trust you just because mom /dad does. But at the same time, they don’t necessarily want to meet you. A no-win situation for all involved.
8. They see their ex being different than they were with you. It can be painful to see the man or woman you think treated you so poorly treating another like gold. They might still be grieving the loss of the marriage while the other has moved on.
9. You actually did something worthy of negative feelings. Take a look at your behavior and your motivations. You’re going to have to be honest with yourself to see how you might be contributing to the high-conflict dynamic.
For help with custody, visitation rights, divorce, support, estate planning or domestic violence information please contact the Law Office of Steven B. Chroman at 661-255-1800 or visit us at www.chromanlaw.com.
This article was originally published in Santa Clarita Magazine as part of our firm’s mission to make family law information more accessible to the Santa Clarita community. Read the full feature and others at santaclaritamagazine.com.